Marriage Preparation 3

Some more jottings from The Marriage Preparation Course, this time on the subject of resolving conflict:

It’s easy to blame the other person – when it might be your fault

Conflict is an inevitable and normal part of marriage

It can be healthy to air greavances and complaints

Reasons for conflict:

(1) We’re all different

Some differences relate to gender

Be cautious about gender stereotypes – we’re all unique

(2) We’re all selfish

Marriage / living with someone can sometimes reveal self-ishness

(3) We’ve give up our independence

We need to take the other person into account and not just do our own thing / please ourselves as if we were single

Resolving conflict effectively:

Handling anger

Anger not wrong in itself – a response to wrong

But anger can be used wrongly

(i) The rhinos – charge!

(ii) The hedgehogs – withdraw

Accepting our differences

Cautious or impetuous

Task or relationship oriented

Organised or sponteous

Do we like to take the lead or support

Extrovert or introvert – do we get our energy / be restored by being with others or by being alone

Differences not a bad thing - complementary

Doing or thinking

Don’t necessarily try to change each other

Attitudes to money: saving, spending, giving

Are you a spender or a saver?

Attitudes to debt

Do you need a budget?

One account or more?

Do you want your own spending money?

Attitudes to punctuality / time-keeping

Appreciate each other strengths and support each others weaknesses to work effectively together

Look for solutions together: we’ve got an issue that we need to sort out together – we are on the same side

Win-win rather than win-lose

Find a compromise you are both happy with – something that works for you

When under pressure we can revert to type / family background

Do you tend to fight or run away from conflict?

Be ready to hit the pause button – is it a good time to try to resolve this?

e.g. when going out or late at night

“The 10 o’clock rule” – any argument after 10pm can be deferred by either party to a better time

Or just stop for 5 mins to calm down, get a breath of fresh air, go into another room and count to 20

Avoid arguing in public!

Identify the real issue

It’s easy to forget what you were arguing about!

Avoid tangents

Sometimes agree to differ

Discuss the issue rather than attacking one another

Control your temper

Words can haunt us

Avoid saying “you always…” and “you never…” – label the other person

Talk about yourself and your own feelings

E.g. “I feel hurt when you tell people everything we’ve been talking about”

Listen

Work hard at understanding what the other person thinks and feels / is saying

Take it in turns to talk

Listen and think about what the other person is saying (not just how you want to respond)

Think of possible solutions

Try a solution that seems best for your relationship and see if it works

If not, try something else

Sometimes some outside help might help

Finances

Marriage involves sharing everything

Clear understanding and agreement needed

Who will manage the finances?

Debt

Talk about money problems / worries early: sort it out!

Openness, accountability

How does money, debt, saving, spending make us feel?

Encouragement, forgiveness, planning

Forgiveness is essential in marriage – though it can be very hard.

Healing is possible, even for big hurts.

Identify the hurt. No use pretending everything’s fine. We need to admit it and face it and deal with it if its something important / significant to you. Why and how have they hurt you?

Say sorry when necessary. We need to say it often. Pride can make “sorry” very hard to say. Its liberating to be ready to admit when you’re wrong.

Forgive. Choosing not to hold something against them, even if we feel angry etc. Say “I forgive you”! Let go of resentment / self-pity etc.

Resentment is (etemologically) feeling again – bringing up feelings again.

More than Caring and Sharing

John Cox's new book More Than Caring and Sharing: Marking a Church School Distinctive (Kevin Mayhew, 2011) has just dropped through the letter box and I look forward to getting into it.

Cox is a recently retired Diocesan Director of Education.

He argues that Christian schools should be not exclusive but distinctive. That distinctiveness is more than caring and sharing, or even Christian values. It is fundamentally a matter of beliefs about God, being human, the church and the world that are then worked out in Kingdom values such as justice, forgiveness, gratitude, generosity, truth and love.

An introductory chapter deals with the history and origins of C of E schools and chapters also critique the Every Child Matters agenda and give suggestions for RE and collective worship.

The book aims to help head teachers, governors and parish clergy.

Fussy Toddlers

I don't know how much you go in for evolutionary biology. But I was comparing notes with another parent of small children this morning. We had both noticed that our children had eaten what was put in front of them when they were quite little pretty readily but now are much fussier. I wondered where we'd gone wrong. My concience was salved by her suggestion that it's natural for children, once they start being able to move around, to be much fussier about what they eat. And that's a good thing. When the child can travel under his own steam, so much more toxic and harmful stuff is accessible and it's good for him to be very discerning and stick to tried and tested favourites. The downside is that your son may wish to survive on a diet entirely made up of sausages, bacon, ketchup, milk, raisans, chocolate, unbuttered bread, ham and shreddies. Even if its contrary to his genetic programming, the boy needs to realise that mum and dad only serve up good stuff (cf. Matthew 7:9-11). We can be trusted not to put poisonous food on the table - or at least, Mum can!

Marriage Preparation 2

Some jottings from my interupted half-listening to session 2 of The Marriage Preparation Course DVD (by the Lees and Alpha / Holy Trinity, Brompton, people).

Commitment is more important than compatability.

Unmarried couples are roughly 5 times more likely to break up in the first 5 years of a baby’s life than married couples.

Married couples tend to be healthier, richer, happier and have better sex lives than the unmarried.

Marriage is for friendship and family life.

Cf. infatuation (a feeling) and love (involving a decision and actions).

Commitment required for trust which is required for intimacy and vulnerability.

Make a point of having special dedicated time together / have fun together – a regular “date” / change of routine / avoiding distractions / effective communication (but not about routine / practical matters).

Think about daily, weekly, annual time together.

What are good times for you? E.g. morning or evening people.

Stay connected with one another (e.g. email, text) – what are the best ways to you?

Begin and end the day together if possible.

Pray for one another each day. A good way of sharing what’s on your mind too.

Marriage brings a change of loyalties and a different way of relating to our parents and wider family.

“Leaving” parents is required, while continuing to honour them.

Essential to put husband or wife above parents and make our own decisions about things (e.g. how we decorate our house, how we spend our money, holidays), possibly differently from our parents.

Support one another – don’t have childish states of dependence on parents (e.g. especially if visiting them in the old family home).

Resist manipulation from parents.

Aim for mutually supportive relationships with parents.

Say thank you to parents. Show gratitude. Almost all parents will have made sacrifices for their children.

Keep in touch with parents. Take the initiative (at least sometimes).

How often will you call, visit, stay with or invite parents (or other family) to stay, holiday with them?

What space do you need?

Do you feel threatened or overwhelmed by one another’s family?

What will you do at Christmas time? E.g. taking it in turn to host / visit parents.

Arranging the wedding and the wedding day itself could be stressful.

Not worth falling out over the wedding – what could you compromise on?

Your parents may be financially involved – they will almost certainly be emotionally involved.

Make sure you only ever say “you’re just like your mother (or father)!” as a compliment.

Plan time together and allow time apart / space. Some people can feel smothered.

Firm

How do you conjugate the word "firm"?

I am firm.
You are stubborn.
He is pig-headed.

(Revd Douglas Wilson, sermon on parenting young people II)

The APCM

Tonight I have my first Annual Parochial Church Meeting "in charge".

There's all sorts of legal stuff to do, but all our elections will be uncontested, so what's it really all about?

It's a bit like The Oscars. It's a chance to say Thank You and to show appreciation, to encourage and celebrate.

It's a time to tell our story and reflect, to think about where we've come from, what lessons we've learnt along the way and where we're going.

We are able to re-set our vision and go forward together into the future that God has for us.

Marriage Preparation 1

I find myself with the opportunity to prepare several couples for marriage this year. In preparation for this I'm listening to The Marriage Preparation Course by the Lees, the Alpha / Holy Trinity, Brompton people. One of the couples I am marrying has just done the course and speaks very highly of it.

Here are my jottings from the first session:

Strong marriages don’t necessarily develop automatically.

Good commitment, understanding, skills, habits, patterns are necessary to a strong life-long marriage.

Invest in your marriage, make it a priority. Be dedicated to it. Take a positive long-term view.

See every argument as smaller than the marriage.

What are your expectations of marriage?

How are we influenced by our own backgrounds and upbringing?

E.g. What would you expect to spend on a family birthday present?

E.g. when would we fill up the car, who would do it

E.g. Cling film and kitchen roll or a plastic box and a cloth?

Our assumptions might not be shared!

The average wedding takes 250 hours to organise.

40% of 1^st time marriages in the UK end in divorce.

Communication

2 parts: Talking effectively & listening effectively.

We all communicate differently.

We’ll be influenced by our personality, background and circumstances.

Extroverts tend to think our loud, talk through ideas.

Introverts may have decided before they suggest something!

How logical (think things through) or intuitive (work on hunches) are you?

How quickly do we think, react, speak?

How much conviction or passion would you speak with? How passionate / committed would you really be?

How easily / quickly do you change your mind?

Do you want to think things through on your own or discuss together?

Do you like to just talk or do things together?

How spontaneous are you or how much do you like to plan things (how far in advance)?

How much would you air your differences?

How acceptable is it to interrupt? Is an interruption rude or is it a sign of interest? Is it polite or boring not to interrupt?

How load or quiet are you?

How gentle, placid, relaxed or passionate, excitable / agitated and fired-up would you be?

E.g. what would your family be like over a meal? What sort of talk would there be?

What are your patterns of work (e.g. shifts, overtime, travel) etc.?

Do stressful things dominate? How much do you talk about them or try to put them to one side from time to time?

Stresses: E.g. moving house, changing jobs, tiredness, busyness, unemployment, miscarriage, infertility, illness, bereavement, financial worries.

Do you know what your partner is really thinking?

Do you tend to hide or go on the attack? Would you be heated or withdrawn?

What are the barriers to effective communication?

(1) Insufficient time.

Time that works and is good for both of you probably needs to be planned.

(2) Failing to talk about our feelings i.e. only discussing practical or superficial matters.

Understand and express feelings, emotional openness, reveal yourself / all parts of your lif.e

Can you ask each other helpful questions?

Fear of rejection, vulnerability.

Dare to reveal yourself.

Trust, acceptance – don’t judge or criticise / justify yourself.

When is a good time to talk and when is a good time to avoid?

E.g. ? bad times: bedtime, as going to sleep – raising a big issue; when driving / navigating.

Nice to focus on one another when getting home from work or over a meal.

Don’t carry over grudges to the next day – start and end each day in love and without ill-feeling.

(3) Holding on to hurt and resentment.

Shouting and (secret) sulking – moods.

Why is the other person upset? (What would make it better?!)

(4) failing to listen to one another.

Intimacy.

Communicate support not just advice.

What does it feel like to be listened to / not to be listened to?

Listen not only with your ears but with your eyes and your heart.

Do you go off at a tangent?

Advice instead of empathy? Do you try to solve problems too quickly?

Do you put aside your agenda and try to understand, see the world through their eyes?

You could ask the other person if you could sit down and talk / listen!

Techniques for listening:

Try to reflect back what the person has said / feel?

What do they really feel most about it? What is at the heart of the issue?

Is there anything you / I / we can do about it?

Is there anything else they want to say?

The Ultimate Royal Wedding

Thanks to Emma's blog for this heading. It would make a good topic for a talk just now, no?

Controversial

The good people of Warbleton and Bodle Street Green have requested a session on Predestination, Free Will, the Sovereignty of God and all that jazz.

And I'm thinking we also ought to have a session on Women Bishops as I think our PCCs are soon to be called upon to discuss the matter.

Controversial stuff. But important and lots of fun too!

Calvin: all human action is futile

Continuing the theme of the previous post of intelligent people saying stupid things, a presenter on Radio 4 this week introduced Calvin as teaching the futility of all human action. Of course, Calvin taught no such thing. He very clearly upheld the significance and responsibility of human action. He was a very active man himself and his actions achieved much, under God.

Dawkins: Don't be a barbarian - read Bible

The eminent and outspoken atheist, Prof Richard Dawkins has said:

...of the King James Bible.

We are a Christian culture, we come from a Christian culture, and not to know the King James Bible is to be, in some way, barbarian. (for the full quote see here)

It is, however, one of the most absurd things that I have ever heard that he goes on to say that "religion should not be allowed to hijack this cultural resource". "Highjack"? Come on, Dicky! Are you seriously arguing that the King James Bible is not inherently, essentially, primarily religious? I think this comment shows that Mr Dawkins is willing to say anything, however ridiculous, to oppose "religion".

HT: Kip

Science has disproved Christianity

To say that science has disproved Christianity is a bit like saying cookery has disproved roast dinners. Science is a method. Christianity is one of the possible outcomes to which science helps to direct us, if used rightly. The proof of the pudding is in the eating. And Christianity (or roast dinners) may need to be understood and assessed by rather different methods from science (or cookery technique). Taste and see that the LORD is Good.

Astronauts & archeologists

What I learnt at Deanery Chapter today:

As we get older, we tend to go from being like astronauts to being like archaeologists.

In our youth, we tend to be keen to explore new worlds, to launch off into the future.

As we get older, we come to care more about the past, about our history and roots.

Hardship

Hardship tends to make people bitter or better.

The Good Book

I bet A C Grayling's so-called Secular Bible won't be half as good as the real thing.

There's a fine line between ambition and hubristic blasphemy.

The blurb talks about it: "going back to traditions older than Christianity, and far richer and more various"

We shall see!

In Christ are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and kowledge (Col 2:3).

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10).

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! "Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counsellor?" "Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?" For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory for ever! Amen. (Romans 11:33ff)

Melyvn Bragg on KJV

On the Telly: Sat 8pm BBC 2 - The King James Bible: The Book that Changed The World

At the Charleston Festival

The Book of Books

Melvyn Bragg

Wednesday 25 May 3.30pm Tickets £12

Four hundred years old and still one of Britain’s biggest exports, the King James Bible has a turbulent history: the 300 year fight to get it translated; the grisly deaths of many of the scholars involved; the drama of the Reformation and the extraordinary life of William Tyndale. Even those unfamiliar with the Authorised Version will use many of its 257 phrases in everyday conversation. Melvyn Bragg discusses the impact of the King James Bible on everything from English language and literature to modern life. Melvyn Bragg, broadcaster, novelist and Life Peer, has had a significant influence on our cultural landscape.

Bibles suitable for children

I am taking a weekly primary school assembly. I've used both the Good News Bible and the New International Version there. Some friends were suggesting easier English / Child-friendly versions and I wanted to preserve this alphabet soup Note To Self for further digestion:

CEV
New Century Version / Inernational Children's Bible
NLT
NET Bible - " may be the best combination of readability and accuracy in English today"

An Order of Service for Ash Wednesday Communion

For a situation where the congregation will use copies of The Book of Common Prayer, but where you want to do lots of seasonal stuff:

Welcome & introduction (Common Worship: Times & Seasons, p223)

Scripture sentences (T&S, p220)

The Collect for Purity (BCP, p237)

“Let us pray for grace to keep Lent faithfully.”

The Collect for Ash Wednesday (BCP, p84)

Hymn 1: 156 Come Down, O Love Divine

The Litany (BCP, p30)

Reading (1): Isaiah 1:10-18

Reading (2): Luke 15:11-end

Sermon

Creed (BCP, p240)

Hymn 2: 135 Rock of Ages, Cleft For Me

Invitation to Confession (T&S, p212)

Introduction to Confession & Confession (BCP, p251)

Ashes (T&S, p230)

Absolution (& ? Comfortable Words) (BCP, p252)

The Peace (T&S, p231)

Eucharist (BCP, p252ff) – Seasonal Preface (T&S, p232) omitting Gloria

The Lord’s Prayer in its traditional form (BCP, p257)

Prayer after Communion (T&S, p233)

Hymn 3: 212 He Who Would Valiant Be (offering?)

Reading from Matthew 6:16-18 and an exhortation to wash!

Seasonal Blessing (T&S, p235)

How's the PhD going?

:)

Outward sign

Calvin defines the sacraments as "outward signs". One of the most striking things about the Supper, however, is that the bread and the wine very obviously go "inward"!

Proper Theology is Theology Proper (applied)

Rev'd Dr John E. Colwell argues:

In essence there are only two theological questions: 'what kind of God' and 'so what'.... If a question is truly a theological question it is, at root, a question concerning the nature of God. Certainly it may present itself in another form - as a question of hermeneutics, of ecclesiology, of eschatology - but all such questions, as theological questions, are essentially questions about God. And this, then, is the manner in which they ought to be addressed, not as discrete issues to be resolved independently of each other, but as authentically theological questions, as out-workings of a doctrine of God, as responses to a series of 'so what' questions deriving from some understanding of God's nature. Theology, throughout all its various sub-disciplines, remains theology; and theology is simply the study of God.

He goes on to argue that all theology should be applied theology. His two questions might be best thought of as two aspects of one question: one has not adequately said what kind of God God is untill one has also said so what.

I have misconstrued the significance of of the word 'God' if I fail to recognise that any statement about God necessarily has significance for all reality; I cannot consider God in academic detachement without misconstuing the significance of the word 'God'. All valid theology, then, is 'applied' theology.... Christian theology is pursued through discipleship and in no other valid way;... Christian theology properly understood, is inseperable from Christian discipleship and spirituality.

John E. Colwell, Promise and Presence: An Exploration of Sacramental Theology (Milton Keynes & Waynesboro, GA, Paternoster Authentic Media, 2005) - from the introduction, p1

Prayer is...

The internet alleges that Archbishop William Temple once said:

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

That's to put it rather strongly, but I think its true to say that in the Bible, prayer is talking to God. We listen to God by reading his Word.

Camp bookstall

When it comes to organising our camp bookstall (Danehill 1 for 11-14s), we might get some good hints here.

More Psalm Resources

If I ever get an idle moment (ha ha) I must collect together these Psalm resources.

By the wonders of Facebook, a friend suggested the following:

http://www.uupsalmsproject.blogspot.com/

http://www.inlightofthegospel.org/?p=5114

http://www.crownandcovenant.com/SearchResults.asp?Search=Psalm

The Church of England

A handy description of the C of E from the coronation oath:

Archbishop. Will you to the utmost of your power maintain the Laws of God and the true profession of the Gospel? Will you to the utmost of your power maintain in the United Kingdom the Protestant Reformed Religion established by law? Will you maintain and preserve inviolably the settlement of the Church of England, and the doctrine, worship, discipline, and government thereof, as by law established in England? And will you preserve unto the Bishops and Clergy of England, and to the Churches there committed to their charge, all such rights and privileges, as by law do or shall appertain to them or any of them?

Queen. All this I promise to do.

Times are hard

An amazing money saving tip:

According to printer.com, light fonts such as Verdana and Times New Roman uses less ink so you won't have to top up as often. A particularly thin font such as Century Gothic will use 31% less ink to print compared to the font Arial.