It’s easy to blame the other person – when it might be your fault
Conflict is an inevitable and normal part of marriage
It can be healthy to air greavances and complaints
Reasons for conflict:
(1) We’re all different
Some differences relate to gender
Be cautious about gender stereotypes – we’re all unique
(2) We’re all selfish
Marriage / living with someone can sometimes reveal self-ishness
(3) We’ve give up our independence
We need to take the other person into account and not just do our own thing / please ourselves as if we were single
Resolving conflict effectively:
Handling anger
Anger not wrong in itself – a response to wrong
But anger can be used wrongly
(i) The rhinos – charge!
(ii) The hedgehogs – withdraw
Accepting our differences
Cautious or impetuous
Task or relationship oriented
Organised or sponteous
Do we like to take the lead or support
Extrovert or introvert – do we get our energy / be restored by being with others or by being alone
Differences not a bad thing - complementary
Doing or thinking
Don’t necessarily try to change each other
Attitudes to money: saving, spending, giving
Are you a spender or a saver?
Attitudes to debt
Do you need a budget?
One account or more?
Do you want your own spending money?
Attitudes to punctuality / time-keeping
Appreciate each other strengths and support each others weaknesses to work effectively together
Look for solutions together: we’ve got an issue that we need to sort out together – we are on the same side
Win-win rather than win-lose
Find a compromise you are both happy with – something that works for you
When under pressure we can revert to type / family background
Do you tend to fight or run away from conflict?
Be ready to hit the pause button – is it a good time to try to resolve this?
e.g. when going out or late at night
“The 10 o’clock rule” – any argument after 10pm can be deferred by either party to a better time
Or just stop for 5 mins to calm down, get a breath of fresh air, go into another room and count to 20
Avoid arguing in public!
Identify the real issue
It’s easy to forget what you were arguing about!
Avoid tangents
Sometimes agree to differ
Discuss the issue rather than attacking one another
Control your temper
Words can haunt us
Avoid saying “you always…” and “you never…” – label the other person
Talk about yourself and your own feelings
E.g. “I feel hurt when you tell people everything we’ve been talking about”
Listen
Work hard at understanding what the other person thinks and feels / is saying
Take it in turns to talk
Listen and think about what the other person is saying (not just how you want to respond)
Think of possible solutions
Try a solution that seems best for your relationship and see if it works
If not, try something else
Sometimes some outside help might help
Finances
Marriage involves sharing everything
Clear understanding and agreement needed
Who will manage the finances?
Debt
Talk about money problems / worries early: sort it out!
Openness, accountability
How does money, debt, saving, spending make us feel?
Encouragement, forgiveness, planning
Forgiveness is essential in marriage – though it can be very hard.
Healing is possible, even for big hurts.
Identify the hurt. No use pretending everything’s fine. We need to admit it and face it and deal with it if its something important / significant to you. Why and how have they hurt you?
Say sorry when necessary. We need to say it often. Pride can make “sorry” very hard to say. Its liberating to be ready to admit when you’re wrong.
Forgive. Choosing not to hold something against them, even if we feel angry etc. Say “I forgive you”! Let go of resentment / self-pity etc.
Resentment is (etemologically) feeling again – bringing up feelings again.
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