Thursday, April 07, 2011

Marriage Preparation 3

Some more jottings from The Marriage Preparation Course, this time on the subject of resolving conflict:


It’s easy to blame the other person – when it might be your fault

Conflict is an inevitable and normal part of marriage

It can be healthy to air greavances and complaints

Reasons for conflict:

(1) We’re all different

Some differences relate to gender

Be cautious about gender stereotypes – we’re all unique

(2) We’re all selfish

Marriage / living with someone can sometimes reveal self-ishness

(3) We’ve give up our independence

We need to take the other person into account and not just do our own thing / please ourselves as if we were single

Resolving conflict effectively:

Handling anger

Anger not wrong in itself – a response to wrong

But anger can be used wrongly

(i) The rhinos – charge!

(ii) The hedgehogs – withdraw

Accepting our differences

Cautious or impetuous

Task or relationship oriented

Organised or sponteous

Do we like to take the lead or support

Extrovert or introvert – do we get our energy / be restored by being with others or by being alone

Differences not a bad thing - complementary

Doing or thinking

Don’t necessarily try to change each other

Attitudes to money: saving, spending, giving

Are you a spender or a saver?

Attitudes to debt

Do you need a budget?

One account or more?

Do you want your own spending money?

Attitudes to punctuality / time-keeping

Appreciate each other strengths and support each others weaknesses to work effectively together

Look for solutions together: we’ve got an issue that we need to sort out together – we are on the same side

Win-win rather than win-lose

Find a compromise you are both happy with – something that works for you

When under pressure we can revert to type / family background

Do you tend to fight or run away from conflict?

Be ready to hit the pause button – is it a good time to try to resolve this?

e.g. when going out or late at night

“The 10 o’clock rule” – any argument after 10pm can be deferred by either party to a better time

Or just stop for 5 mins to calm down, get a breath of fresh air, go into another room and count to 20

Avoid arguing in public!

Identify the real issue

It’s easy to forget what you were arguing about!

Avoid tangents

Sometimes agree to differ

Discuss the issue rather than attacking one another

Control your temper

Words can haunt us

Avoid saying “you always…” and “you never…” – label the other person

Talk about yourself and your own feelings

E.g. “I feel hurt when you tell people everything we’ve been talking about”

Listen

Work hard at understanding what the other person thinks and feels / is saying

Take it in turns to talk

Listen and think about what the other person is saying (not just how you want to respond)

Think of possible solutions

Try a solution that seems best for your relationship and see if it works

If not, try something else

Sometimes some outside help might help

Finances

Marriage involves sharing everything

Clear understanding and agreement needed

Who will manage the finances?

Debt

Talk about money problems / worries early: sort it out!

Openness, accountability

How does money, debt, saving, spending make us feel?

Encouragement, forgiveness, planning

Forgiveness is essential in marriage – though it can be very hard.

Healing is possible, even for big hurts.

Identify the hurt. No use pretending everything’s fine. We need to admit it and face it and deal with it if its something important / significant to you. Why and how have they hurt you?

Say sorry when necessary. We need to say it often. Pride can make “sorry” very hard to say. Its liberating to be ready to admit when you’re wrong.

Forgive. Choosing not to hold something against them, even if we feel angry etc. Say “I forgive you”! Let go of resentment / self-pity etc.

Resentment is (etemologically) feeling again – bringing up feelings again.

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