Here are my jottings from the first session:
Strong marriages don’t necessarily develop automatically.
Good commitment, understanding, skills, habits, patterns are necessary to a strong life-long marriage.
Invest in your marriage, make it a priority. Be dedicated to it. Take a positive long-term view.
See every argument as smaller than the marriage.
What are your expectations of marriage?
How are we influenced by our own backgrounds and upbringing?
E.g. What would you expect to spend on a family birthday present?
E.g. when would we fill up the car, who would do it
E.g. Cling film and kitchen roll or a plastic box and a cloth?
Our assumptions might not be shared!
The average wedding takes 250 hours to organise.
40% of 1st time marriages in the UK end in divorce.
Communication
2 parts: Talking effectively & listening effectively.
We all communicate differently.
We’ll be influenced by our personality, background and circumstances.
Extroverts tend to think our loud, talk through ideas.
Introverts may have decided before they suggest something!
How logical (think things through) or intuitive (work on hunches) are you?
How quickly do we think, react, speak?
How much conviction or passion would you speak with? How passionate / committed would you really be?
How easily / quickly do you change your mind?
Do you want to think things through on your own or discuss together?
Do you like to just talk or do things together?
How spontaneous are you or how much do you like to plan things (how far in advance)?
How much would you air your differences?
How acceptable is it to interrupt? Is an interruption rude or is it a sign of interest? Is it polite or boring not to interrupt?
How load or quiet are you?
How gentle, placid, relaxed or passionate, excitable / agitated and fired-up would you be?
E.g. what would your family be like over a meal? What sort of talk would there be?
What are your patterns of work (e.g. shifts, overtime, travel) etc.?
Do stressful things dominate? How much do you talk about them or try to put them to one side from time to time?
Stresses: E.g. moving house, changing jobs, tiredness, busyness, unemployment, miscarriage, infertility, illness, bereavement, financial worries.
Do you know what your partner is really thinking?
Do you tend to hide or go on the attack? Would you be heated or withdrawn?
What are the barriers to effective communication?
(1) Insufficient time.
Time that works and is good for both of you probably needs to be planned.
(2) Failing to talk about our feelings i.e. only discussing practical or superficial matters.
Understand and express feelings, emotional openness, reveal yourself / all parts of your lif.e
Can you ask each other helpful questions?
Fear of rejection, vulnerability.
Dare to reveal yourself.
Trust, acceptance – don’t judge or criticise / justify yourself.
When is a good time to talk and when is a good time to avoid?
E.g. ? bad times: bedtime, as going to sleep – raising a big issue; when driving / navigating.
Nice to focus on one another when getting home from work or over a meal.
Don’t carry over grudges to the next day – start and end each day in love and without ill-feeling.
(3) Holding on to hurt and resentment.
Shouting and (secret) sulking – moods.
Why is the other person upset? (What would make it better?!)
(4) failing to listen to one another.
Intimacy.
Communicate support not just advice.
What does it feel like to be listened to / not to be listened to?
Listen not only with your ears but with your eyes and your heart.
Do you go off at a tangent?
Advice instead of empathy? Do you try to solve problems too quickly?
Do you put aside your agenda and try to understand, see the world through their eyes?
You could ask the other person if you could sit down and talk / listen!
Techniques for listening:
Try to reflect back what the person has said / feel?
What do they really feel most about it? What is at the heart of the issue?
Is there anything you / I / we can do about it?
Is there anything else they want to say?
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