Marriage Preparation 3

Some more jottings from The Marriage Preparation Course, this time on the subject of resolving conflict:

It’s easy to blame the other person – when it might be your fault

Conflict is an inevitable and normal part of marriage

It can be healthy to air greavances and complaints

Reasons for conflict:

(1) We’re all different

Some differences relate to gender

Be cautious about gender stereotypes – we’re all unique

(2) We’re all selfish

Marriage / living with someone can sometimes reveal self-ishness

(3) We’ve give up our independence

We need to take the other person into account and not just do our own thing / please ourselves as if we were single

Resolving conflict effectively:

Handling anger

Anger not wrong in itself – a response to wrong

But anger can be used wrongly

(i) The rhinos – charge!

(ii) The hedgehogs – withdraw

Accepting our differences

Cautious or impetuous

Task or relationship oriented

Organised or sponteous

Do we like to take the lead or support

Extrovert or introvert – do we get our energy / be restored by being with others or by being alone

Differences not a bad thing - complementary

Doing or thinking

Don’t necessarily try to change each other

Attitudes to money: saving, spending, giving

Are you a spender or a saver?

Attitudes to debt

Do you need a budget?

One account or more?

Do you want your own spending money?

Attitudes to punctuality / time-keeping

Appreciate each other strengths and support each others weaknesses to work effectively together

Look for solutions together: we’ve got an issue that we need to sort out together – we are on the same side

Win-win rather than win-lose

Find a compromise you are both happy with – something that works for you

When under pressure we can revert to type / family background

Do you tend to fight or run away from conflict?

Be ready to hit the pause button – is it a good time to try to resolve this?

e.g. when going out or late at night

“The 10 o’clock rule” – any argument after 10pm can be deferred by either party to a better time

Or just stop for 5 mins to calm down, get a breath of fresh air, go into another room and count to 20

Avoid arguing in public!

Identify the real issue

It’s easy to forget what you were arguing about!

Avoid tangents

Sometimes agree to differ

Discuss the issue rather than attacking one another

Control your temper

Words can haunt us

Avoid saying “you always…” and “you never…” – label the other person

Talk about yourself and your own feelings

E.g. “I feel hurt when you tell people everything we’ve been talking about”

Listen

Work hard at understanding what the other person thinks and feels / is saying

Take it in turns to talk

Listen and think about what the other person is saying (not just how you want to respond)

Think of possible solutions

Try a solution that seems best for your relationship and see if it works

If not, try something else

Sometimes some outside help might help

Finances

Marriage involves sharing everything

Clear understanding and agreement needed

Who will manage the finances?

Debt

Talk about money problems / worries early: sort it out!

Openness, accountability

How does money, debt, saving, spending make us feel?

Encouragement, forgiveness, planning

Forgiveness is essential in marriage – though it can be very hard.

Healing is possible, even for big hurts.

Identify the hurt. No use pretending everything’s fine. We need to admit it and face it and deal with it if its something important / significant to you. Why and how have they hurt you?

Say sorry when necessary. We need to say it often. Pride can make “sorry” very hard to say. Its liberating to be ready to admit when you’re wrong.

Forgive. Choosing not to hold something against them, even if we feel angry etc. Say “I forgive you”! Let go of resentment / self-pity etc.

Resentment is (etemologically) feeling again – bringing up feelings again.

Marriage Preparation 2

Some jottings from my interupted half-listening to session 2 of The Marriage Preparation Course DVD (by the Lees and Alpha / Holy Trinity, Brompton, people).

Commitment is more important than compatability.

Unmarried couples are roughly 5 times more likely to break up in the first 5 years of a baby’s life than married couples.

Married couples tend to be healthier, richer, happier and have better sex lives than the unmarried.

Marriage is for friendship and family life.

Cf. infatuation (a feeling) and love (involving a decision and actions).

Commitment required for trust which is required for intimacy and vulnerability.

Make a point of having special dedicated time together / have fun together – a regular “date” / change of routine / avoiding distractions / effective communication (but not about routine / practical matters).

Think about daily, weekly, annual time together.

What are good times for you? E.g. morning or evening people.

Stay connected with one another (e.g. email, text) – what are the best ways to you?

Begin and end the day together if possible.

Pray for one another each day. A good way of sharing what’s on your mind too.

Marriage brings a change of loyalties and a different way of relating to our parents and wider family.

“Leaving” parents is required, while continuing to honour them.

Essential to put husband or wife above parents and make our own decisions about things (e.g. how we decorate our house, how we spend our money, holidays), possibly differently from our parents.

Support one another – don’t have childish states of dependence on parents (e.g. especially if visiting them in the old family home).

Resist manipulation from parents.

Aim for mutually supportive relationships with parents.

Say thank you to parents. Show gratitude. Almost all parents will have made sacrifices for their children.

Keep in touch with parents. Take the initiative (at least sometimes).

How often will you call, visit, stay with or invite parents (or other family) to stay, holiday with them?

What space do you need?

Do you feel threatened or overwhelmed by one another’s family?

What will you do at Christmas time? E.g. taking it in turn to host / visit parents.

Arranging the wedding and the wedding day itself could be stressful.

Not worth falling out over the wedding – what could you compromise on?

Your parents may be financially involved – they will almost certainly be emotionally involved.

Make sure you only ever say “you’re just like your mother (or father)!” as a compliment.

Plan time together and allow time apart / space. Some people can feel smothered.

Marriage Preparation 1

I find myself with the opportunity to prepare several couples for marriage this year. In preparation for this I'm listening to The Marriage Preparation Course by the Lees, the Alpha / Holy Trinity, Brompton people. One of the couples I am marrying has just done the course and speaks very highly of it.

Here are my jottings from the first session:

Strong marriages don’t necessarily develop automatically.

Good commitment, understanding, skills, habits, patterns are necessary to a strong life-long marriage.

Invest in your marriage, make it a priority. Be dedicated to it. Take a positive long-term view.

See every argument as smaller than the marriage.

What are your expectations of marriage?

How are we influenced by our own backgrounds and upbringing?

E.g. What would you expect to spend on a family birthday present?

E.g. when would we fill up the car, who would do it

E.g. Cling film and kitchen roll or a plastic box and a cloth?

Our assumptions might not be shared!

The average wedding takes 250 hours to organise.

40% of 1^st time marriages in the UK end in divorce.

Communication

2 parts: Talking effectively & listening effectively.

We all communicate differently.

We’ll be influenced by our personality, background and circumstances.

Extroverts tend to think our loud, talk through ideas.

Introverts may have decided before they suggest something!

How logical (think things through) or intuitive (work on hunches) are you?

How quickly do we think, react, speak?

How much conviction or passion would you speak with? How passionate / committed would you really be?

How easily / quickly do you change your mind?

Do you want to think things through on your own or discuss together?

Do you like to just talk or do things together?

How spontaneous are you or how much do you like to plan things (how far in advance)?

How much would you air your differences?

How acceptable is it to interrupt? Is an interruption rude or is it a sign of interest? Is it polite or boring not to interrupt?

How load or quiet are you?

How gentle, placid, relaxed or passionate, excitable / agitated and fired-up would you be?

E.g. what would your family be like over a meal? What sort of talk would there be?

What are your patterns of work (e.g. shifts, overtime, travel) etc.?

Do stressful things dominate? How much do you talk about them or try to put them to one side from time to time?

Stresses: E.g. moving house, changing jobs, tiredness, busyness, unemployment, miscarriage, infertility, illness, bereavement, financial worries.

Do you know what your partner is really thinking?

Do you tend to hide or go on the attack? Would you be heated or withdrawn?

What are the barriers to effective communication?

(1) Insufficient time.

Time that works and is good for both of you probably needs to be planned.

(2) Failing to talk about our feelings i.e. only discussing practical or superficial matters.

Understand and express feelings, emotional openness, reveal yourself / all parts of your lif.e

Can you ask each other helpful questions?

Fear of rejection, vulnerability.

Dare to reveal yourself.

Trust, acceptance – don’t judge or criticise / justify yourself.

When is a good time to talk and when is a good time to avoid?

E.g. ? bad times: bedtime, as going to sleep – raising a big issue; when driving / navigating.

Nice to focus on one another when getting home from work or over a meal.

Don’t carry over grudges to the next day – start and end each day in love and without ill-feeling.

(3) Holding on to hurt and resentment.

Shouting and (secret) sulking – moods.

Why is the other person upset? (What would make it better?!)

(4) failing to listen to one another.

Intimacy.

Communicate support not just advice.

What does it feel like to be listened to / not to be listened to?

Listen not only with your ears but with your eyes and your heart.

Do you go off at a tangent?

Advice instead of empathy? Do you try to solve problems too quickly?

Do you put aside your agenda and try to understand, see the world through their eyes?

You could ask the other person if you could sit down and talk / listen!

Techniques for listening:

Try to reflect back what the person has said / feel?

What do they really feel most about it? What is at the heart of the issue?

Is there anything you / I / we can do about it?

Is there anything else they want to say?

Talking love, sex, relationships and God with the teenagers

God willing on Saturday evening I'm going to talk to and with the teenagers at church about love, sex, relationships and God - it being St Valentine's Day the next day.

What would you say?

Any pointers, tips, resources etc. most welcome.

I might have a look at the Love Wise website later.

CAREFUL Marriage

In The Highway Code for Marriage (CWR, 2005), Michael & Hilary Perrott suggest that marriages should be CAREFUL:

This will involve:

Communication - bringing light

Affection - bringing warmth

Respect - bringing dignity

Encouragement - bringing hope

Forgiveness - bringing peace

Unselfishness - bringing joy

Loyalty - keeping love

HT: JC

Marriage Prep

I have 3 non-churchgoing couples to prepare for marriage this summer and I'm wondering what to do. I'm also looking for a book to reccomend. All tips most welcome.

I was chatting to a minister friend the other day who has prepared a few keen Christian couples for marriage. I think his 4 sessions went something like this:

(1) Covenant

(2) Roles - a.k.a. submission

(3) Communication - a.k.a. don't get a telly

(4) Sex - a.k.a. have a "date night" each week!

Maybe some of his victims can correct my memory!

One friend commented that he thought it might be best to get 2 TVs - avoids a lot of arguments!

Marriage Preparation

Many of us spend lots of time, effort and money preparing for our weddings. We would do well to prepare so well for our marriages, which after all are for life not just for one day.

Above all, we must make sure we are ready for the Wedding Supper of the Lamb (Rev 19-22). Or rather, has Jesus prepared us for that day (Eph 5)?

(HT: DR @ the RB & DJ Wedding)

Wedding & Marriage

Your marriage is infinitely more important than your wedding.

Your wedding day lasts 24 hours, your marriage might last 24 years, 48 years, longer.

Your wedding is only for the sake of your marriage.

Think of the thought, time, effort, money, energy, talk and work you have put into your wedding day. Will you put even more effort into your on-going marriage? If you don't it will be a tragedy and your marriage will fail to be all that it could be.

I hope your wedding day is fantastic, brilliant, "perfect". But I don't hope its "the best day of your life". What about the next day? I hope married life just gets better and better, though there will be difficulties and struggles all the way.

Marriage is for better or for worse, but try to make it better.

3 words for Marriage

If I were doing some marriage preparation (especially with non-Christians) I might recommend 3 that one should say to one's husband or wife and to God:

To one's partner...

(1) SORRY - be quick to apologise, keep short accounts

(2) THANK YOU - don't take one another for granted, show appreciation

(3) PLEASE - communicate and talk about how you'd like to do things - how can your partner show you appreciation etc.

To God...

(1) SORRY - that I have ignored you, rebelled against you and lived my way for myself

(2) THANK YOU - for your love and grace, that the Lord Jesus took the penalty for my sins

(3) PLEASE - forgive me and help me by your Spirit to live for the Lord Jesus Christ