Ha ha

Hermeneutics (the science of the interpretation of texts, esp. Biblical texts) applied to a STOP sign.

And, a classic: The Cat Sat On The Mat as the C of E might respond to it.

HT: Jim & the Father in Law, respectively.

Christmas Gags

Of course, Christmas sermons don't need spicing up with lame jokes, but just in case:

Q: Why doesn't Santa allow his helpers to ride on his sleigh?
A: Elfin safety

And thanks to Paul Huxley for commenting the following classic:

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
A: Deep and crisp and even

When it rains on the Sunshine coast

Bishop Wallace commented that people often complain to him about the weather in a "can't you put in a good word with the Almighty" sort of way. Wallace responds: "I'm in sales, not management!"

A Motto Text for Dentists

Psalm 81:10

What do Christians celebrate at Christmas?

An alleged exam howler:

When Joseph and Mary had a baby called Jesus. They travelled to Bethlehem by plane and Pontius was their pilot.

Richard Benson, F in Exams: The Best Test Paper Blunders (Marks and Spencer, 2008) p113

Harvest jokes

By the wonders of Facebook and Google:

As it's harvest, we can expect the jokes to be corny!

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went up the road and turned into a field!

Buttercup and Daisy were chatting as they chewed the cud.
"'Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"
"Yes, sounds nasty."
"I'm glad I'm a chicken."

Q. What do you call someone who used to be really keen on farm yard vehicles?
A. An ex-tractor fan!

What's the motto of * (insert name of a dodgy airline company)?

'We plough the fields and scatter.'

Wedding sermon gags

D.v. I'm going to marry my (non-Christian) sister in the Summer.

Any tips on the sermon gratefully recieved!

We've pencilled in 1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:7-12 and John 15:9-12 as the readings.

Got any good gags? - though I am conscious that it should be more sermon than best-man or father of the bride-ish!

If you're going to be there, look away now to avoid spoilers!

I thought I might say something about love in marriage and the love of God for us shown in Jesus' penal death for us.

Here are a couple of gags I remember hearing in wedding sermons:

A woman, who wasn't in the habit of giving her husband complements, once told him that he was a "model husband". He was so flattered that he looked up "model" in the dictionary where he read: "a model: a small fake imitation of the real thing".

(Could lead into Eph 5 - Christ as the model husband).

* * *

A young Christian was struggling in his marriage and, in need of advice, he asked an older, wiser Christian if he'd ever contemplated divorce. The older man looked him in the eye and replied: "Divorce? Never. Murder, many times."