Parenting Headings & Jottings (1)

What would you include?

Introduction

Please check back in 30 years and we hope to have something useful to say here!

In the meantime, read the Bible and Doug Wilson and pray.

You only get one chance at parenting. They grow up fast and you can't have your time over.
You are going to fail. Work hard, pray and relax, lighten up, trust God.
God's grace is sufficient.
There are no perfect parents or children but there is a better way.
Parents are responsible but we don't try to earn or merit God's favour. We believe his promises and depend on his mercy. God uses our weak efforts. When we know our weakness we depend on him and give him the glory for anything he graciously does through us.
Tastes, cultures, needs, gifts and opportunities etc. will differ - that's good.
The manifold wisdom of God - not clones.
Not my way right or wrong / may way is the only way.
Not a slavish copying of any one approach let alone "rules".

The supreme authority of Scripture.
"in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity"

the helpfulness of others and of examples and the harmfulness of some comparisons.
Praise God if the Joneses are great parents - and know that no doubt they have their struggles too.
Don't be too hard on them or on yourselves.

God's law and house rules - distinguish clearly.
It's good and necessary to have house rules.
Keep your rules few, simple, clear and good - big principles that get you big wins.
Choose your battles - e.g. work on potty training not nuclear physics with the 2 year old.
Your home should not feel like a Concentration Camp!

The gospel (repeat, remember, model, rejoice)!

The Christian Life:
Repentance and faith, forgiveness and a fresh start
The greatest commandment - the weightier matters of the law
The Golden Rule
The fruit of the Spirit is the fruit of the Spirit - not our work
The Creation Mandate - rule and fill the earth
The Great Commission - disciples the nations
The New Creation
All of life under the rule of Christ - it all matters.

The goal of parenting
Maturity
Able to play their part in a new household
Increasing freedom not clamping down on teenage rebellion!
Aim for "independence"
Start now
Now is better than never

The atmosphere of the Christian home - love, joy, delight, fun, happiness, laughter, togetherness, purpose, mutual care, consideration, sympathy, help
Check this regularly - what is the feel / temperature of your home

Family culture, traditions, memories- these bond the family together - "Do you remember when Uncle Joe..."

Quality Time ? Spend lots of time together - talk!

Read the Bible and good books together

The Trinity - the divine family - a happy loving ordered fellowship

Roles in the Godhead and the home - mutual submission, united purpose
The one and the many - individuality and conformity

Men, women and children
Boys and girls - differences

Expectations - high but not impossible - lower the standard so you get some wins! Progress not perfection
No good making speedy progress in the wrong direction!

Expect the kids to do as they're told quickly and happily. Delayed or sruly obedince are forms of disobedience.
The kids sometimes need a moment for what they are being asked to do to sink in and for them to decide to do it.
Count downs to obedience can be effective but they're not the greatest. We'd like them to do as they're told promptly rather than when we get to "5".
Avoid endless warnings and repetitions of instructions. Sound like you mean it first time.

Kids should be encouraged to see that life is better, happier and easier if they do as they're told happily and quickly.
Being naughty doesn't work - it just makes them more miserable.
Instructions should be obviously for their good whenever possible.
(Of course, if you've got 4 kids you'll need to get your kids to do things to make life possible! An instruction for mummy's conveniece isn't wicked as a happy mummy is essential to a happy home)
An explanation of why you're asking the kids to do something can help them but sometimes "because I said so" is called for. The kids need to understand that God has put mum and dad in charge for their good.
If you've told the kids to do something, you're not looking to have a debate!

Discipline - training not punishment
Be calm!
Discipline is for the child's sake not yours!
Never discipline for the sake of appearance
Don't give in - unless you are wrong!
Do what you can not what you can't

You cannot make windows into your children's souls
Discipline what you can see
Go for the heart
The aim is for the children to love the standard (and the God of the standrd!) not outward conformity for a while

Righteous anger - just because you are angry does not mean you are righteous!

"The Rod" - good that its over quickly!
say sorry, ask God's forgiveness, make friends again, hug / kiss etc, move on happily
Be consistent and persistent
Be clear about when you will smack - e.g. for direct, clear disobedience
Not public humiliation!
Reasonable, proportioante, calm
(count to 10 if need be)
The UK law on smacking and the law of God

Loss of privileges
"Bribery"?
The importance of learning delayed gratification

Do not discipline for weakness or immaturity or honest mistakes - don't smack the child for knocking his water over unless he was messing about
Hunger, tiredness etc are mitigating factors not excuses
Do not lead your children into temptation - they need to eat and sleep regularly
It's not fair to wind 'em up and fill them with sugar and e-numbers late at night then discipline them when they act up

Routine - a help not bondage
Toddler years:
7am get up and breakfast and family devotions - thanks, prayer for the day ahead, a prayer for others / world, Lord's Prayer, song
12pm lunch
5:15pm supper
6:15pm Bible story time
Thank you prayer
Good night prayer
7pm bedtime

Mum and Dad will want to pray together regularly for the children and one another and for other things that are not appropriate to discuss in front of the kids.

Even if some evangelicals have over-done the idea of the personal "Quiet Time" it would be a great habit for everyone to read the Bible and pray on their own regualrly. It is especially important as teenagers move towards leaving home that they should have habits and motivations that will help them to keep going as Christians e.g. if they find themselves living alone or with unbelievers.

Going to bed and getting up

Mealtimes
Manners, courtesy
Saying Grace - probably best if Dad normally says grace but fun if others do sometimes too, sung graces, some people like to hold hands.

TV - ration? good TV

When will the kids have treats? We have a treat from the shop on a Saturday is easier than "can we have some sweets?" every time a shop is spied!

Music and song (fun, aids memorisation) - good shared activity

Liturgy - learn what you use at church at home - keep it simple & fun - enthusiastic joining in
Confession of sin
Acclamation of praise
The Lord's Prayer
Apostles' Creed
10 Commandments
Memorisation of Scripture

Church family and public worship - we include our children as much as possible
We treat the children like little Christians not like little pagans. We all need to repent and believe the gospel everyday but we treat our kids as insiders to be discipled not as outsiders to be converted from a life of Godlessness.
We expect our kids to have infant faith.
We want them to grow up never knowing a day when they haven't loved Jesus.

Baptism - identity, belonging

The Lord's Supper - it is very harmful to exclude kids from the Lord's Table. "Daddy, why was I excommunicated?" - it teaches them they don't belong and need a crisis of faith to bring them in. We welcome them as full members of the body of Christ on the basis of their parent's faith and their baptism. They have rights, privileges and responsibilities as members of the body of Christ.

The Sabbath
Make it the best day of the week! A delight - positive not negative
The Sabbath feast - Saturday evening?

Christian Education

Pocket money, the tithe, saving, the love of money, generosity
Earning extra money

Work ethic but not works righteousness
Jobs - helping Daddy with the bins

Further Reading

Wilson
Alpha
Parsons
Tripp

The Family Under Siege Audio

When Mrs Lloyd and I get a moment we are looking forward to listening to the recordings from the The Family under Siege? – the 2010 Emmanuel Evangelical Church Family Conference – which are now available on their church website in the audio archive.

1. Foundations for the Family (David Field)

2. The Battleground of Education (Ian Fry)

3. Vision for the Family (David Field)

Did Jesus die for the doggy, Daddy?

The boy knows that Jesus loves him and died for him because he is sometimes naughty. He knows that Jesus loves Mummy and Daddy and died for them because they are sometimes naughty. He knows that the dog is often naughty. So he would like to know if Jesus died for the dog?

P.S. The dog has not been baptised and is not making a credible profession of faith. We believe in Limited Atonement / Particular Redemption / Effectual Salvation around 'ere.

Church Preaches Bible Shock! (version 4)

The Today Programme this morning mentioned this article from the Daily Mail. A similar article appeared in the Telegraph. A couple of people from St Nick's, Seven Oaks are apparently outraged that their vicar and curate should preach that women should be silent in church and that wives should submit to their husbands (1 Cor 14; Eph 5; Col 3). It turns out the sermons in question were two from the curate from 1 Peter 3 which can be heard on the church website and there has been some misunderstanding over some leaflet or other supposedly written by the Rector.

The Mail article is an extraordinary example of making a story out of nothing. No doubt there is a great deal of selective reporting and spin. I'm sure, for example, that the ministers had no intention of saying that women's disobedience to their husbands is the only or even the chief cause of family break up. As the article points out, the church would want to emphasise that men have a primary responsibility to love their wives. It is incontrovertible that marriages and families in Britain are not generally working brilliantly and confusion about the roles of men and women is an important factor.

It's come to something when quoting the Bible outrages that bastion of traditional conservative values, the Daily Mail.

It's interesting that a number of people have apparently said they have cancelled their direct debits / are leaving the church.

I would have thought that people might have expected this kind of teaching from a conservative Evangelical church. Similar things would be taught in many other churches and it is hardly newsworthy. Or rather, its sad that apparently it is!

Angus Mclay the rector of said church describes the events under a very similar headline: Church believes the Bible! Shock! Horror! He does a good job of supporting his curate and highlighting how careful the preacher was to avoid misunderstanding and stress the equality of men and women. He also denied wearing a kilt to church, for the record!

"Bread! Me!"

The boy is repeatedly asking to be admitted to the Lord's Table.

The Family Under Siege

It's always great to hear of a gospel church plant, but one of the things I especially love about Emmaneul Evangelical Church, Southgate is the first rate day conferences they're organising to serve the wider church.

If I wasn't already tripple booked, I'd certainly be at this one:

THE FAMILY UNDER SIEGE?

Emmanuel Evangelical Church Family Conference13 March 2010

Speakers

Revd Ian Fry, Pastor, Fetcham Community Church, Surrey. Ian is a former teacher and sometime Director of Youth and Children's Ministry training at Oak Hill Theological College.

Revd Dr David Field, Elder, Emmanuel Evangelical Church

Christian families are under mounting pressure from the secular world. Anti-Christian dogma is promoted in the media under the guise of ‘tolerance’. Education has become a battleground, and increasingly intrusive legislation is being proposed by our government. Recent proposals have included:

‘Parents will lose the right to withdraw their children from sex education classes once they reach 15.’

‘Home-educating parents will be forced to register annually and undergo criminal record checks.

‘Home-educated children will be interviewed privately by government officials; parents who refuse to allow this will find their children sent to a state school.’

Pressure is also mounting elsewhere:

The British Humanist Association has declared that ‘there probably is no God,’ and demanded that Christian parents stop raising their children as believers in Christ.

A BBC presenter speculated that ‘authoritarian’ evangelical parents could use home education as a cover for child abuse.

Yet there is always hope. Jesus Christ is the risen and ascended King of Kings. He has received from the Father all authority in heaven and on earth, the nations have been made his inheritance, and one day every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

Until then, the church has been commissioned to maintain the unity of the Spirit, to live as children of light, to speak the truth in love, to nurture our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, and to disciple the nations.

Are you ready for the challenge?


10am – 4pm, Saturday 13 March 2010 at The Welsh Chapel, Cockfosters
Individuals £15 · Couples/families £20To book, email

Family Education Trust (Family & Youth Concern)

Worth checking out.

Off to Wales

We're off for another long hot journey with the boy, but minus Caleb the dog, who is sadly in kennels. We drive to my parents' home in Cardiff tonight (where the interweb and mobile phones continue to work).

Tomorrow Mrs Lloyd is having her first day off from looking after the boy and we are off to the beech, then out for supper in Whitchurch.

D.v. I will marry my sister on Friday at 1pm at the Parish Church of St Mary's a few minutes walk from my parents'.

Post contains spoilers!

We are singing Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah and I will preach on love from 1 Cor 13, Jn 15 and 1 Jn.

Real love is unconditional and permenant and does not depend on loveliness.

Real love is impossible to us. We need God's forgiveness and help.

Jesus loves us, as unlovely as we are, died for us to forgive us and be our example and help.

Copies of 2 Ways to Live available!

I am thinking of quoting the Beatles ("When I'm 64...") and Shakespeare ("Love is an ever fixed mark...").

As its my first wedding with 100s of non-Christians, I'd value your prayers, please.

Full audio available afterwards d.v..

Back to Eastbourne on Sunday to go to Fellowship of Confessing Anglicans in London on Monday!

I'm back for a moment

Tommorow I'm off to Wales to marry my sister.

But that's nothing. My Father in law married 2 of his sisters. His brother married his mother. And yet his father and mother married after he was born.

He is married to Janet Claydon but he also married another Janet Claydon (who is unrelated) to his cousin.

Or something like that.

Righteous Indignation

Tedd Tripp defends the idea of “righteous indignation”, but he adds this helpful and memorable caution:

People tend to think, “I am right and I am indignant, therefore this is righteous indignation.”

No doubt there are all sorts of considerations and distinctions such as, am I proportionately indignant with the right people for the right reasons?

Here’s how Tripp spins it:

The difference between righteous and unrighteous indignation is illustrated by asking, “Whose honor is being preserved?” If I am angry because God has been dishonoured and that vexes me, I am probably exercising righteous anger. If my anger is the garden variety, “I can’t believe you’re doing this to be, who do you think you are, you little brat,” it is probably unrighteous anger. That kind of anger will muddy the waters of discipline.

Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart 2^nd edition 2005 (Wapwallopen, Shepherd Press, 1995), p108

Baby Obadiah?

Following a sermon by Rev'd John Cheeseman on 1 Kings 18:1-16, Obadiah has suddenly shot up the possible names list for young master Lloyd. John informs us that the name means "servant of Yahweh" and encouraged us to have it as our highest priority for our children that they might be devout believers in the LORD (v3) who honour the word of God and worship the LORD since their youth (v12). What a wonderful witness Obadiah's name would have been in the dark days of wicked king Ahab.

I think it would be good to have a name that's shortenable and play-around-with-able. You can't do much with Marc!

And even if it is a bit posh, it seems to me, the more middle names the better!

But Jonathan (sort of vaguely after Yvonne's father, John, and Jonathan Edwards, the great American theologian - not the tripple jumper) Owen (after John Owen and 'cos its a bit Welsh) Andrew (since there's a bit of a middle name thing going on in my family there) remain the favourates. Maybe one doesn't want to use up Edwards and Owen on one kid?

And maybe they're a bit too dull?

I had a great grandfather called Zechariah (see Luke 1:67ff), so maybe that should be resurrected - though its not as cool as the now fairly common Zach?

A pattern of daily prayer

Here is a pattern of daily prayer for an Anglican minister with a family:

7:30-7:45am personal private prayer with a reading from Scripture (marking off what has been read to ensure a balanced diet over time)

7:45-8am A Psalm and prayer with the wife using a prayer list

8-8:20am Parish Morning Prayer according to Common Worship (perhaps praying through the activities of the church)

6-6:20pm Parish Evening Prayer according to Common Worship (perhaps praying through the electoral roll)

At the main meal of the day: Family devotions: a bit of Old Testament, a bit of New Testament and a Psalm (marking off what’s been read) and prayers. Singing a Psalm.

A short prayer at bed time with each of the children and the wife.

You'll notice this out-does the Muslims!

We’re managing a bit of personal prayer and Bible reading, the wife and I are praying and reading together and we are having parish prayers at 9:15am every morning in the church, but its good to have something to aim at!

Tips for Family Worship

I didn’t know that as well as a Directory for Public Worship there was also a Directory for Family Worship, approved by the General Assembly of the Free Church of Scotland in 1647. A modernised version by Graham Nicholson is available at the Haylett’s website (which also has lots of links about Christian home schooling and other family stuff.)