How to apologise

Christians of all people should be good at apologising. We know that we are guilty hell-deserving sinners. We do not (or should not) mind admitting that we are wrong inside and we do wrong things. Apologising can be humiliating. But humility is good for us! Failure to apologise might show a proud pretence. God knows all anyway. Judgement day will reveal all. What have we to lose? Maybe only an ill-deserved reputation. Perhaps the world would be better (even for me) if I were more open and honest.

Christians should be quick to apologise. But sometimes maybe we can be too quick. I think it can be a mistake to apologise if you are not convinced that you have probably sinned. This can lead to a conditional apology: "I am sorry if..." Which is not ideal. And not very easy to receive. 

The best apologies will be full and clear. What specifically are you apologising for? This should ideally be in the form: "I am sorry that I / we...." You should state what you did wrong and wish to repent of. "I am sorry: I was angry and shouted and was rude and unreasonable." You are admitting the sin and taking the blame. 

There could sometimes we scope for an "I am sorry that I upset you" apology. But we don't want to blame the person we are apologising to! We might be better to say, "I am sorry that I upset you by being hasty / rude / unthinking / insensitive / stupid / crass."

In English we can use "sorry" to express regret or admit sin. You are only apologising if you do the latter. "I am sorry that you are a crazy person who over reacted to my righteous anger by sulking" is not an apology. "I am sorry that you are making me feel awkward and I am saying this in an attempt to make you be nice to me", is not an apology.

Sometimes we will need to apologise for something where others were involved. Your civil servant or administrator may actually have made the mistake, but perhaps you are responsible: you may actually have been neglectful (failed in your instruction or your checking) but even if your only mistake was to employ this idiot, you should take responsibility. Even if the mistake was perfectly easy and understandable from an otherwise responsible and diligent person, the CEO of Tescos will do well to own and apologise for the action of the checkout assistant. Real apologies are pretty rare and can be powerful. This is a great opportunity for leaders (and especially ministers of the gospel) to lead. 

You may wish to include your pleas in mitigation. There can be a case for that. "I was new / dyslexic / busy / distracted by the death of my mother. I hope you will accept that this was a stupid mistake rather than deliberate malice", but it is probably best to minimise this. It is all too easy to drown out your apology by attempted justification. Say: "This is a significant unacceptable error / sin and I'm sorry."

Ideally, your apology should be at least as public as the sin. "I'd like to take this opportunity to say sorry for snapping at Julie the other day. It was very rude of me and I apologise." This sets a good example and helps to establish a culture of what we do around here. The other person is publicly vindicated. Julie might have been belittled in the eyes of some and it is right that she should be honoured as the innocent wronged party and I should be ashamed.  

Your apology should involve some offer of recompense or restitution if possible and appropriate. "I'm sorry I broke your vase. Please let me buy a new one."

You may find something in this Radio 4 Something Understood programme on Saying Sorry of interest. It mentions this Guardian article on The non-apology apology.